The Reluctant Butterfly

Thief

2010-08-24T20:39:00.002-04:00

You have stolen my eyes
They only see you

You have stolen my voice
It calls only your name

You have stolen my lips
They ache only for your kiss

You have stolen my arms
Meant now for nothing but your body

You have stolen my thoughts
They only echo images of you

You have stolen my body
It exists as only a half to our whole

You have stolen my heart
And for this I love you
Always

until next time.....
be kind,
me

2010-08-20T02:28:00.003-04:00

Hush now, child
The jailor man is comin' round
With his shiny chains a swingin'
And his shackles' clang a ringin'
The jailor man is comin'

Sleep now, child
Your mind been runnin' round
You ain't had no rest in this cell
You won't have no life in this hell
Your mind been runnin'

Wake now, child
The sun is finally risin'
Wipe your eyes of all them tears
Wipe your soul of all them fears
The sun is finally risin'

until next time.....
be kind,
me

Absolution

2009-11-21T11:40:00.004-04:00

Undeserving I stumble forth collapsing at the foot of redemption
Eyes, once frozen, have warmed to blur the edges of my duplicity
The struggle, the push and pull and toil to lucidity
Laid before you as my meager offering beseeching reprieve
Armor abandoned, defenselessness of character and soul now resides
Forever indebted am I

until next time.....
be kind,
me

~Euterpe~

2009-08-28T20:54:00.004-04:00

A timid talk, a lovers walk
To barely secret places
Muffled sounds and falling down
Among the earth and branches

Fog stained glass, frenzied grasps
Merging us together
Glistening skin burns within
Increasing bliss and fervor

Tears and songs and holding on
Uncertain of our paths
Love we held, love we felt
Unspoken unconfessed

until next time.....
be kind,
me

Reflection

2009-08-04T18:04:00.004-04:00

My first visit here in over a year....... So very much has happened. There was a time in the days leading up to my return that I believed I would never revisit this corner of my life. Writing, for me, happened in manic bursts that I could not contain. I thought so many times in the last year this cathartic gift would never resurface. True, it is not as easy now. The words do not flow from my fingertips quite as freely. The imagery that was once so second nature is a little harder for me to convey. It is true that everything has it's price. I now have balance in my life. I now have confidence in myself. I now have hope for the rest of my days and I couldn't be happier about it.

until next time.....
be kind,
me

Thank you, Stuart Smiley

2008-02-19T23:42:00.002-04:00

I can do this....... I have told myself this phrase throughout my life over a million times. Convincing myself of my own worth has been a recurrent theme in my life as the years have danced around me in a blur. The situation and scenery for my facade shifts but my role in this ridiculous play has remained constant. Until now.

No more will I peddle out my self respect to the first one to throw a price at me only to have a buyer. There will not be another time that I will soothe my soul against the blistering cold shoulder of someone too insecure to see what an incredible person lies within my skin.

Never again will I give so much of myself away that I am left standing in an expanse so wide my sight can not bridge the diameter, shivering as the winds of my former self rip through me.

'Cause I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and, doggone it, people like me! :-P

until next time.....
be kind,
me

February 17th, 1980

2008-02-17T15:28:00.003-04:00

Days, weeks, months of wonder all behind me as I nervously step into the room. We'd never met though this small detail hadn't kept you from invading my space. Truth be told I didn't want to meet you at all. The smiles spread through the room as I made my way to you, everyone collectively anticipating some Norman Rockwell-esque moment. Next to my, yes MY, mother I sat as she lowered a wriggling lump of blankets towards me. Raising as far as my little body would allow I curiously peered over the edge of all the fluff and there you were.

Anything I knew of love and possession before that moment faded as a strange and wonderful feeling swept over me. This was not my parent's second child. This was not another granddaughter for my grandparents. Not a cousin, not a playmate. In that moment everything else ceased to be. You were my sister and that is all that mattered.

On this cold, blustery day in February I fell in love for the very first time. I knew then, and still know today, there will never be anyone in the whole wide world that could come close to filling the space in my heart that belongs to you. I knew there would never be anyone alive that would be quicker to jump to your defense than I..... though some may feel their loyalty to you rivals mine, let me assure you - that have no idea.

Time and circumstance have brought us here this day in February, twenty-eight years after I vowed I would take care you because you were "my baby". On this, the day of your birth, I celebrate. I celebrate all of the things you were, all of the things you are and all of the things you are yet to be. Of all the gifts that are exchanged in this celebration I have received the most precious. I have been given you as my sister.

I love you, Code.

until next time.....
be kind,
me

Surrender

2008-02-11T03:43:00.001-04:00

Funny, isn't it?
How one fleeting moment can turn your world upside down. Wipe clean the slate of what you thought you knew of love, heal hurts of the past and renew your faith in finding your soulmate.

Amazing, isn't it?
That with nothing more than your recognition of your counterpart in another everything you deemed unbearable yesterday becomes a mere irritation today. The air smells sweeter, your breaths are a little deeper, your every thought preoccupied with connecting once again with something so blindingly beautiful. Your motivation for detested tasks peaks if for no other reason than to be done with them so that you may spend every available moment gazing into those eyes, searching the depths for a reflection of your heart's desire.

Overwhelming, isn't it?
How quickly you can be filled to the brim, emotions tumbling forth, your heart speaking before your brain has a chance to filter a single word, thought or feeling. Being so painfully exposed and reveling in every single second of it, knowing soft, safe hands wait to catch you as you fall.

Beautiful, isn't it?
As you plod through your day the vague scent of perfection wafts through you from unknown origins and it stops you in your tracks. In that moment you are transported back to the last time that scent was on your skin. The heat, the desire, the unabashed surrender. All this with the tiniest sniff of your lover's scent. You can remember explicitly the taste, the feel and the heat of your lover's body but can't quite seem to find words descriptive or lovely enough to make them out to anyone but you.

Breathtaking, isn't it?
How willing you become to dive head first into the shallows with no regard for your own safety whatsoever. Even more breathtaking is the thought that someone could possibly experience you in this way as well. Their only desire, your happiness. Their only thought, when next you shall meet. Utterly humbling that they can, they will and they do.

until next time.....
be kind,
me

~ Moira ~

2008-01-31T05:50:00.000-04:00

Fickle Fairy, love, she is
Teasing with her daydreams
Taunting with her illusions
But not this night

Pernicious Priestess, love, she is
Striking down the innocent
Sickening the well
But not this night

Jovial Jester, love, she is
Delighting in her trickery
Deriving amusement from deceit
But not this night

Breathtaking Beauty, this night, she is
Divinely Devout, this night, she is
Gracious Goddess, this night, she is
Predestined Perfection, this night, we are

until next time.....
be kind,
me

As You Lie Sleeping

2007-10-28T09:28:00.000-04:00

As you lie sleeping
I watch the shadows dance over your velvet skin
I am taken by the beautiful rhythm of rise and fall
The distance between us crumbles away and for one brief second - I feel you

As you lie sleeping
I am captivated with what my eyes behold
As I long to feel your warmth wrap itself around me
I close my eyes and in my mind melt into you

As you lie sleeping
You dream your dreams as my heart fills full
Blissfully unaware of the storm raging within me - you slumber
A cannonade of emotion leaves me breathless

As you lie sleeping
I drink you in, watching you through the strange eye of distance
Humbled by your trust in me I strip my heart bare, naked before you, I stand.
The honesty of this moment sweeps over me in waves

As you lie sleeping
Something has awakened in me this night, my sweet
What I'd known of love before this instant withers away blinded by envy
My heart, nearly bursting, rushes ahead of all thought and reason, brazen

As you lie sleeping
I have no want outside of this, now, with you
No need so occupies my soul as the need to be near you here
Heat from desire's flame burns within my body and mind

As you lie sleeping
I imagine the day that you awaken from past loves stupor
Your eyes, rubbed clean of a long dead love's haze,
Look upon me as I see you tonight - eyes and heart wide open
As you lie sleeping

until next time.....
be kind,
me

This Tag is Itchy

2007-09-16T17:54:00.000-04:00

I have always had issues with labels. Not so much the labels themselves, but trying to figure out exactly where I "fit" in regards to those labels. I am not sure why I was even pondering this in the first place but I came to the conclusion that one could tell his or her life's story through the different labels they have worn through the years. It makes no difference if the labels are self-imposed, brought about by teasing from so called "peers", or simply the way you are viewed by the world at large.

Take me, for example. From childhood to present day I have been the pretty girl, the good girl, the shy kid, the weirdo, the dork, the fat chick, the drama geek, the misfit, the know-it-all, the wife, the divorce', the toker, the wife (again), the mom and lately the daydreamer.

The problem with all of these perfect, cookie cutter ways of describing someone is they never give you the full story. You hear any of those labels and you form a picture of me and what was going on in my life at the time. Sadly, most of the time the very thing that is supposed to convey who you are to the rest of the world often belies the truth of what is actually happening within that person.

As a child I remember countless shopping trips with my Mom during which strangers would stop us to comment on how beautiful they thought I was, quickly following with "what a good girl" I must be. Even then I found the link between my supposed behavior with my appearance very odd and uncomfortable. So many adults said the same thing, I reasoned not that they assumed I was well behaved but that I was supposed to be. No different than any child liking attention I tried to live up to this idealized image. Needless to say trying to attain someone else's view of who you "should" be is ridiculously pointless.

No matter how unreachable the goal of trying to live up to everyones expectations is, it is a theme that has defined my life. Forever trying to be the good student, daughter, wife and mother. Only lately have I come to the realization that it is MY definition of myself that has any relevance at all. Furthermore, it is the only label that I have any control over, what so ever. If ever I wish to change how others see me, I must first change how I see myself...... the big ol' dork singing my head off in the car next to you while dancing like the whitest person on earth.

until next time.....
be kind,
me

----------------
Now playing: Sia Furler - Breathe Me
via FoxyTunes

Sticks and Stones

2007-09-09T10:39:00.000-04:00

The first time I ever felt ashamed of who I was, or was aware that other people didn't "approve" of me, I was in the first grade. Before this day I was blissfully unaware that others were judging me. I don't even remember who started the snickering, but it spread rapidly through the huddled group of older boys standing in the hallway leading to my classroom. Until one of them pointed directly at me I hadn't realized that the laughter was at my expense. I will save you the gory details but just know that from that moment on I was painfully aware of every inch of my body and all of the reasons that chubby little girls should NOT wear elastic waisted, corduroy pants. The good news is the class picture was taken that day, so I will always have a little memento of exactly how I looked that day..... yippee...

The rest of elementary school, save several vivid memories (accidentally squirting my fifth grade teacher in the face with ketchup while stomping packets of the stuff on the playground, to name one) pretty much all blends together into one big awkward jumble. Middle school was no day at the beach, either. By the time I was in eighth grade the boys would tell me one of their friends liked me and wanted me to ask him out, specifically so the little jackass could tell me no, in front of all his buddies no less, all the while laughing as loudly as possible to drive home how insane I must be to think that he would EVER consider holding hands with someone like me. I would love to tell you I only fell for that once but I'd be lying. Of course, I get no satisfaction in the fact that the little schmuck was shipped off to military school the next year...... OK, maybe I do a little.

High School....... it's never easy. It doesn't matter if you were the quarterback, the class clown, the Prom Queen, or...I don't know....me (the short, chunky, drama geek), those four years tend to be quite a roller coaster. Add an insatiable need for approval and acceptance to normal teenage angst and you get a fairly miserable high school experience.

Having finally reached adulthood, I thought I had moved past much of the self-consciousness of my adolescence. It took a very long time, but I found I was finally able to walk past a group of teenagers without my stomach churning for fear of name calling. I had even begun to entertain the notion that, to some, I might even be considered pretty. For the very first time in my life I finally felt comfortable in my own skin. It's funny how little it can take to turn your opinion, of how far you think you have come, upside down.

A short while back I received an instant message from someone I had never met. There was no "hello", or any other greeting for that matter. Only a short, to the point description of just how undesirable I was in his eyes. At first I shrugged it off, chalking the whole thing up to him being an immature asshole (an opinion I still hold, by the way). But, the more I thought of it the more it bothered me. The more it bothered me, the more pissed I got at myself for letting him get to me in the first place. Shortly thereafter I decided not to dignify his stupidity with any more of my time, as I am sure he hadn't given his actions towards me a second thought. Try as I might, I wasn't able to follow through with that goal.

As I thought back I was blown away at just how much our actions affect others. Not only can the smallest thing you do or say to someone today stay with them for years(my fifth grade teacher says she can't see ketchup packets without wincing to this day), but it can also have an impact on the way that person then treats someone else. For visualizations sake, it's like dominoes. One tiny bump to the first tile sets off an incredible chain reaction. Whatever happened to piss off the guy that cut me off in traffic yesterday could have been set in motion by someone in Prague for all we know. It made it's way across the ocean, to him, then me and now you.

I guess the point to all of this is to say, you are not living if you are living for the betterment of no one but yourself. Everyone you meet is going to have something about them that gets on your nerves, that you don't like or that you downright detest. The trick is remembering that there are things about you that others find loathsome as well. Keeping that in mind makes it a little easier to smile and say it's not a problem when your server brings your dinner to you loaded with the onions that you asked to be removed in the first place. Who knows, just that one gracious gesture could save the servers job that had been threatened by just ONE more screw up, thus keeping him from throwing in the towel on living overseas and telling his girlfriend that he's moving home, causing her to go in to her job as a flight attendant quite upset and distracted which was the reason for her spilling an entire soda in a passengers lap, who was on his way to a job interview to which he was late for after having to mop soda from his crotch in an airport bathroom, causing him to drive like a maniac to try and make up time and subsequently nearly running me off the road.

My friends in Blogville, if you would grant me one favor I would ask it to be this - be kind, be very kind, be ridiculously kind. Teach your children to be kind (especially to chubby little girls wearing corduroy or dejected drama geeks). For granting me this, I will thank you in advance for making my drive home just a little nicer. :-)

Until next time.....
and as always - be kind,
me

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round & Round......

2007-09-07T14:21:00.000-04:00

Suffice it to say, there are very few times in life you may find yourself in the type of situation that would generally only occur in the movies. One of those "I can't believe this is really happening" moments. Had this not happened to me I probably would not have believed it, but it did. I, by no means, want this post to feed into any stereotyping. I wholeheartedly believe the most saintly act that anyone could commit would be kindness. However, stereotyping does exist and in some instances can be ridiculously hilarious - ESPECIALLY if you find yourself in the situation that I did, on my wedding day, no less. After all, in the name of stereotyping honesty, I am a white chick, from the south, who went to Vegas to get married while already three months pregnant...... but I digress.

As some of you know, my sister is a photographer. So, when the day came that I was to wed of course she was my shutterbug of choice. The wedding wasn't until nine o'clock that night, partly because it's too fucking hot during the day in Nevada and partly so that my sister could snap some photos during that perfect time of day that hovers in between early evening and sunset.

My sister and I scoured the city looking for photo ops. In case you are wondering, there are about a million breathtaking spots screaming to be used. Our challenge was to find one that would make an interesting backdrop but kept the fact that it was in Vegas a bit of a secret. Honestly, when someone looks at your wedding portrait you don't want the first thing out of their mouths to be "Oh cool! I've been to The Bellagio too!". This was a little more difficult than we had anticipated. We drove around for what seemed like hours. It was probably more like 45 minutes or so, but when you have a veil stuck to your head and three miles of wedding dress shoved up your ass, trust me the time moves a little slower.

We ended up at one of the hotels rear entrances. It doesn't sound all that great, but it was beautiful and the light was PERFECT!! Best of all there were no neon lights nor Elvis sightings, not that there's anything wrong with either of those..... So, we set up for the shoot. I stood on the sidewalk in full wedding regalia as I waited for her to get things in order. Those "things" included tripods, several different cameras, various lenses and even those big, hand held, light reflecting thing-er-ma-bobs.

I am not into the posed, highly artificial, "traditional" genre of photography. That being said, my sister had me all over the place getting tons of shots and to our surprise no one had even so much as walked though this area the whole time we had been there. Strange, we thought, but appreciative of the privacy we carried on. That is, until a group of around 100 people on a bus tour showed up in what looked like a motorcoach on steroids. Upon the arrival of said bustrocity (yep, I made it up) we stopped the shoot and kindly stepped aside.

No sooner than the bus came to a stop, there were smiling faces in damn near every window facing us. There were ooooh's and aaahhhh's being thrown all over the place and a steadily building, giddy chatter among the passengers. Through one of the open windows my sister and I heard a someone start speaking over some type of in-bus PA system, giving what we assumed were instructions on when to meet back at buszilla (yep, did it again, I am the biggest dork on the planet). Well, instructions is what we figured were being verbalized, since neither of us spoke Japanese the bus voice could have been giving pointers on how to reach Nirvana and we would have been none the wiser. We did begin to notice something as the bus voice carried on, though. Those faces that were gleefully peeking out the windows had risen in number and there were quite a few people now beginning to point and talk about something they had spotted and were terribly excited to have found. My sister and I turned and looked behind us, in what we thought was the direction they were gesturing towards. For the life of us, we couldn't see ANYTHING that would warrant that type of reaction.

It turns out that we didn't have to wait long to find out just what could have been so very exciting. The bus voice seemed to be done telling everyone how to beat video poker, or whatever it was he was saying, as the PA system made that horrible static filled "CLICK" as the mic was turned off. I swear, the only things missing from the opening of buszilla's doors were the theme of " 2001: A Space Odyssey" playing, and everyone moving in slow motion...... which, come to think of it, would have been pretty cool. (that's right, not only am I the worlds biggest dork, I am in fact, a total geek..... and you are now collectively feeling sorry for the guy I married that day, aren't you?? I can tell, no biggie. hehe)

The people that were aboard that bus should give classes on how to exit any mode of travel in a safe and TIMELY manner, because I have never seen it done quite so efficiently. The doors swung open and everyone hastily made their way towards the object of their continued interest, but not before strapping their cameras around their necks and taking all sorts of pictures of, well, of damn near everything around them. Maybe it was the glare of way too many camera flashes or the fact that I was still trying to figure out what these people were seeing that I wasn't, but I didn't notice that a small group of people started to form around me. I turned around one last time to try and get a glimpse of this mystery thing. I still had no clue.

Upon turning back around I was nearly nose to nose with the most excited of the group. Nearly falling on my ass from trying to simultaneously back up and say hello, I realize that nearly everyone on the bus is standing, staring straight at me. My sister, by this point, had inched away from me so that she was outside of this semi-circle of temporary fanaticism.

From that point on there were lots of handshakes, some hugs and pictures with just about everybody on the bus, save the voice of buszilla. To this day I have no idea who they thought I was or why they were so very trilled to meet me. As the last of my adoring fans fulfilled their wishes for pictures and hugs, they merged into a group again and made their way inside the hotel, camera flashes and shutter clicks-o-plenty. It was probably the most surreal moment in my life. I look over to find my little sister laughing her ass off and telling me "Apparently, you're huge in Japan." hehe Yep, apparently.

Until next time.....
be kind,
me

Literary Yoga

2007-09-02T04:31:00.000-04:00

As you are aware, I have not walked the streets of Blogville in quite some time. I
have an idea (what I think to be a great idea) for a short story (maybe something
longer) but I just can NOT seem to get the words to travel the route from brain to fingers to keyboard. In an attempt to remedy this I researched writing exercises, which, thanks to ADD, brought about lots of other topics to research and a few epiphanies. All those to be shared in a later post. The task at hand is to engorge my long dormant literary muscles with fresh creative blood.

The exercised was described as follows....

"Write a scene that involves two people in a car on their way to a family Christmas party."

So, here it goes..... hope I warmed up enough first, cramps are a bitch.....

I will post the scene when I am able to wrap it up.

be kind,
me

Echo

2007-07-07T02:15:00.000-04:00

~Echo~

She calls to me
Unforgettable words of disdain from her twisted lips
Whispering melancholy, shouting accusations
Lonely breath escaping amidst the taunts of cruelness

She calls to me
Tainting my illusions of beauty
Ugliness creeping, longing running rampant
Urging me further, incessantly needing the whole of me

She calls to me
Her lips pursed, her cursed nagging in wait
Helpless to her vile concoctions I concede her victory
Ashamed I limp away whimpering dragging what is left of my soul behind

She calls to me
The stench of her breath sickens me
Briefly I recoil, the mere thought of her waters my palette
Catching a glimpse beneath robes of thorns
a child like beauty hovers there

She calls to me
Her words are softer sweeter unearthly
Hypnotic chants of grandeur echoing raising me up to heights unknown
Fearing the fall I retreat only to be hunted

She calls to me
Cold steel words enchantingly warmed, blows not nearly as fierce
Uncharacteristically allowing me to catch my breath and lean upon her
Wounded by her thorns weeping tears of chagrin

She calls to me
Sweet honey wafting, I am drunken from the scent
The scent of ever elusive peace tickling my senses
Fumbling towards delectation savouring each tiny morsel bestowed

I call to her
Perched atop the pinnacle of sanguine
Calming the wild winds that blow straight through me now
Moments of bliss tumbling forth as heavy robes are shed
---------

I didn't intend to portray self loathing in such a dark light..... but, I guess when you think about it is the darkest of all such contempt. The hardest thing anyone will ever have to do is look in the mirror and be honest about the reflection of who they are. Few ever have the strength to be totally honest about themselves. Until next time.....

be kind,
me

Beautiful Words.....

2007-06-30T01:23:00.000-04:00

"The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
---

I love coming across things that move me, be it music, theatre or what we have here - beautiful words. One of the best I have come across in a while. Until next time.....

be kind,
me

Coming Clean

2007-06-29T15:27:00.000-04:00

I am hopelessly disorganized. I can count the times I have made it to anything on time on two hands. I feel compelled to work myself to the point of exhaustion, merely to appear "normal". You might as well send me into a mine riddled field, under enemy fire if you intend to send me grocery shopping with both of my children. I am filled with shame and guilt over all of the things that I can not seem to master, that others do with such ease and grace. I have sat, bawling and stupefied , in the middle of my kitchen floor at the mere thought of tackling the piles of clutter and papers that seem to rule my life. I take inventory daily of all the things that I "should" be able to do or handle at this point in my life that elude me to this very moment. I would tell you honestly, and truly believe every word spouted from my lips, that I have failed at nearly every damn thing I have ever tried. When reminded of the things in my life that others see as accomplishments I will be the first one to give you a
laundry list of reasons that, in my opinion, take any validity away from such successes. I have yet to control my impulses..... for pretty much anything.

I have Attention Deficit Disorder.

I was diagnosed about eight or nine months ago and subsequently medicated. I would mark my diagnosis as probably the single biggest turning point in my life, to date. Yes, bigger than my marriage - either of them. Yes, bigger than the birth of both of my children. Some may balk at this notion..... to them I say "You simply have no way of comprehending my unique position." To try and give you some frame of reference I will try and relate it to you as best I can.

Imagine, if you will, you are in your childhood. You are placed in a room with several other children your age. You are each handed your own puzzle of solid blue and told to sort through and assemble the pieces, only upon inspection, you find that you are missing every single shape that makes up the border or frame for your task. You sort through again, sure that you have simply overlooked the pieces. You glance up and notice that every other child in the room seems to be making great headway in their attempt. You begin to feel embarrassed that you still haven't linked the first two pieces. As you fumble through the shapes your teacher walks behind you and sternly tells you, for the third or fourth time, that you know you can do this, you just simply aren't trying. This flusters you even more, making you fall further behind. One child finishes, then another. You still sit shifting pieces of blue around on the table in front of you, feeling as if everyone in the room assumes what you fear to be true..... you are stupid, lazy or both. You know that if you could just get the courage to tell your teacher that you think you weren't given all of the pieces to the puzzle, they would be bestowed upon you and you would finish in record time, but you are far too ashamed to ask and fear this would only prove her assumption of lazy stupidity.

Or better yet, imagine yourself now. You are in a similar situation with adults. You are all handed an onion and a knife. Your instructions are to slice the onion without shedding a tear. In this reality assume that children are generally the only ones that do not posses mastery of this skill. You, however, have NEVER been able to cut into an onion skin without crying like a baby. All of your peers complete the task with seemingly no difficulty as you stand mesmerized at their talent and embarrassed by the lack of yours. The instructor begins making comments about your lack of will power, your immaturity and your lack of drive or focus. He continues by saying that the only thing holding you back is YOU. If you would just put your mind to it, you wouldn't have a problem...... as you take his criticisms you wonder how on earth you
are supposed to make your eyes NOT tear up in the presence of vidalias. It isn't something you can help, after all. It's not like you are CHOOSING not to complete what is asked of you........ it is simply the way your body reacts to that particular
stimuli.

I have grown up with a severely distorted image of myself due to this. I am pretty sure anyone who knows me well can attest to that. It can be extraordinarily difficult for me to the simplest of tasks. There is not a day that passes that I don't wonder if I will EVER be able to "pull myself together". While the symptoms of ADD can be crippling on their own, it is the secondary effects of the disorder that take the heaviest toll. Very low self esteem, depression, big time anxiety and underachievement, just to name a few. It is these little demons that will rob you of the little bit of sanity that you feel you have left.

I am not writing this for sympathy; what I want is understanding. I have kept these parts of myself hidden for so very long and it is about time they see the light of day.After all, how could I possibly expect someone to understand where I was coming from if I didn't speak up and tell them?

So here I am, shouting from atop my messy soapbox........
What was I saying? :-P

until next time.....
be kind,
me

It's all about the Lyrics, baby!

2007-06-29T04:03:00.000-04:00

I feel compelled to share these when I run across them....... if you aren't into them, well, then just skip this post :-P
Anyways, I have found another song that could stand on lyrical merit alone....

BREATHING by: Lifehouse

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I'm looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

happy listening! until next time....
be kind,
me

Wanderlust

2007-06-20T19:46:00.000-04:00

Today I took a drive. Partly because the weather was amazing (the perfect rainfall, very overcast) and partly because my one and a half year old would NOT go to sleep for his afternoon nap. I gathered my things, his things, keys and we ran to the car. After a short stop to feel the rain as it fell and savor the squeals of delight from my baby boy, we were buckled and ready to go.

It was perfect. The depth of green in the leaves of the trees brought out by the rain, the street, wet with rain, was a deep shiny black. Ahhhhhhhh...... I love driving.

My little one fell asleep before we were even five minutes from the house (of course), which gave me nothing but time..... time to drive. It was me, my thoughts, music and the road.

My thoughts have been at a standstill recently. So much swirling around but I have been unable to make peace with any of it. Things left unfinished, what I have started today and things I need to accomplish tomorrow. I don't really know where I am and only have a vague idea of where I want to end up.... not a particularly comfortable spot, but a far to familiar one.

I found it odd how many parallels I could draw between my thoughts and the road. People use the analogies everyday and they have become almost cliche` but they all seemed so very perfect today. I was driving down the roads on which I had learned to drive. The near ninety degree turn that taught me not to overcompensate upon loosing control. The steep gravel incline on which my Dad stopped the truck and told me it was my job to get us off that hill..... in a stick shift..... But with just the right amount of pressing forward with the gas and the perfect amount of letting go with the clutch I was able to top what seemed to be Mt. Everest. The open field, tucked away, just beyond the trees that my teenage self visited one hot summer night learning the dangers of letting someone else drive. It all came flooding into me.

Whatever it was..... the rain, the road, the music, the ability to have more than five minutes for just me....... I am grateful for it. I didn't get anything worked out, but that is fine. Somehow, I gained a little perspective on my trip. The only thing left for me to do now is figure out how to read this damn map........

until next time.....
be kind,
me

Procrastination

2007-05-28T15:40:00.000-04:00

I have about a million things I need to be doing right now. I am far more content, however, to sit in front of this screen and tell you about them, rather than motivating myself to complete or even start any of these tasks. So, for laziness's sake, here is my "To Do" list.

1. Finish my mom's scrapbook. The scrapbook that was supposed to be her Mothers Day present.

2. Go through all of the boy's clothes and remove all the items that no longer fit or that are the wrong season. Seeing as there are clothes in the little one's closet that are a size 6-9 months and he is 21 months, I should probably get a move on that.

3. Go through my closet and get rid of everything I no longer wear. Also get rid of everything that no longer fits, due to the loosing of a little weight. (weight is another blog post all together..... maybe I should save those clothes......)

4. Paint the living room. A bittersweet task. There is a little area of the wall beside the couch about two feet up from the baseboard that my oldest "decorated" with crayons when he was three years old. I have not been able to bring myself to cover up his crayola gift to me. He was so proud of himself. He ran into the kitchen and said "Mommy!!!! I made a purdy wayne-bow mess!!" Damn, he's cute.

5. Clean the interior of my car. Ugh. I could feed an underdeveloped nation with the amount of cheerios, cracker and cookie crumbs and other random snack remnants that reside in the seats and floorboard of my car.

6. Laundry. I despise this task so much that I won't even dignify it with any more of my key strokes.

7. Clean out the refrigerator. I ask far too much of that little yellow box of baking soda. However, Gladware ROCKS! "When was this put in the fridge?? Oh, that long ago?" *KERPLUNK* Straight into the trash it goes along with any guilt I may have felt previously for throwing away an entire Tupperware container. Open it and scrub it out??? Are you f'ing kidding me??

8. Scrub the kitchen floor. My kitchen flooring is the bane of my existence. It's white. Let me say that again... WHITE!!! I have two boys under 7 years old and a husband that can out-mess them both. I say again... WHITE!! Not only does EVERY single, tiny ANYTHING show up on this floor, it has a bazillion teeny little scratches in it due to heavy wheelchair traffic. Our driveway is not paved and the wiping of feet when coming inside must not be a trait that the males in this house can grasp....... so, the scratches in the floor trap every particle of dust and/or dirt that hitched a ride in on the soles of my family. All of that adds up to me having to scrub this god forsaken floor on my hands and knees with a scrub brush! It's white, ya know?

9. Taxes...... I found out recently that several of the years I assumed I was filing jointly with my husband, that did not happen. I now have 3 years of missing tax returns. Lucky girl, that's me, lucky, lucky girl.

10. Finalize plans for my sister's baby shower. I need to order balloons, flowers and food. Oh, and it's this weekend. A tiny little jolt of panic just shot through me.

Must.....end....post.....
until next time....
be kind,
me

Where has the time gone......

2007-05-25T01:36:00.000-04:00

Oh, wow, I didn't even realize it had been that long since my last post! There has been far too much going on for my liking, lately. I suppose the biggest of those happenings involves me and my clumsy ass.
About two months ago I fell down the stairs at my sister's house. For this, I was awarded my very first ambulance ride. In the MOST sarcastic tone possible, I say.... yippee. I was pretty banged up but thought that everything was going to be fine. HA! that is what I get for lowering my wall of cynicism :-P
Move forward to about 2 weeks ago. I was standing in the living room. I raised my arms up over my head and reached my hands towards the ceiling. The stretch felt good, so I leaned back even further, arching my back. Apparently, my back was pissed and was finally going to let me know about it. As I leaned into the stretch, a HORRIBLE, sharp, shooting pain started between my spine and left shoulder blade. It immediately radiated up the left side of my spine and neck, across the top of my shoulder and around the whole left shoulder blade. The pain was intense enough that I became physically ill. I couldn't move my head AT ALL. So, it was off to the urgent care.
Steroids, pain meds, x-rays and a scheduled MRI.
The MRI showed that I have two, count 'em TWO, herniated discs in the cervical region of my spine (right in between my shoulder blades) And, no surprise to me, the discs are bulging to the left, pressing on the nerves that go up my back/neck, across my shoulder and around my shoulder blade.
It seems as if way too many years spent standing a weird angles cutting hair has caused some degeneration of those discs. Couple that with the fall and they had just had enough. Now that was odd to me because it was my LOWER back that hurt so badly when I fell....... Not to worry we will hear from this region soon enough.
I went through the week long course of steroids and pain meds for the cervical discs and was still unable to turn my head all the way to the left, and holding the phone on that side of my head - FORGET IT!! Honestly, how do they expect me to shift gears and talk now??
So the doctor calls to check on my progress. I tell him of my phone holding plights and that now, oddly enough, it was my lower back/sciatic nerve on the RIGHT side that was speaking up. I have had lower back/sciatic nerve issues (on the LEFT side) for a few years, so it surprised me that this pain was on the right side and it was far more intense than the left had ever been. He said he wanted to see me the next morning........
More steroids, more pain meds, more x-rays and another MRI scheduled.....
This go around has gone no better than the first. I got the results from MRI number two and it showed that I have an area of degeneration (which is what had been causing the back issues I had previously) AND (lucky me) yet another herniated disc in the (surprise) sciatic region. *sigh*
So, to wrap up my rant on feeling like an eighty year old, I have an appointment with a neurosurgeon on the 13th of June. Again..... yippee.

until next time....
be kind,
me

Who Knew?!?!?!

2007-05-10T01:33:00.000-04:00

I saw this on a friend's blog and had to try it! Hope you don't mind me using your idea, Eric!

until next time....
be kind,
me

The Meeting

2007-05-07T00:21:00.000-04:00

I met her years ago. She was a girl in her teens, but wise beyond her years. I was terrified when we drove up to the house. Would she like me? Would she tell her brother that he could do FAR better than me? Questions and self doubt filled me as we made our way up the back steps to the door. My heart was racing. He knocked. I heard the shuffle of feet then the knob began to turn. As the door opened we were greeted by a thin girl with deep eyes. Years of struggles no one her age should have to endure were hidden in those eyes.
All four of us made our way robotically through our first greeting, me, my fiance, my future sister in law and her future husband. I couldn't gauge what she thought of me. She seemed preoccupied. I didn't dare ask if there was anything wrong. She didn't seem to be the type of person that opens up quickly, especially to what equaled a perfect stranger. Knowing, through her brother, the hardships faced by her family I could only imagine the obstacle that she was trying to overcome at that moment.
Our meeting was brief. We had taken our journey north to retrieve some of my fiance's belongings. We stuffed everything we could into my car, which wasn't much considering we were trying to pack a lifetime of things into the back of a Camaro.
I honestly can't remember now if we stayed and visited for a day or so or just long enough to gather the bits and pieces of the life my fiance led before moving across the country to meet me. I wondered if she resented me for being so far away with her brother.
Then it happened. It was an innocent moment happy couples share every day but under the circumstances was taboo. I was sitting in the living room riffling through some old photo albums of family pictures. My fiance had just went outside to take yet another load of stuff to the car. She had held the door open for him as he struggled with what should have been two trips worth of items. She was still standing in the doorway. Her boyfriend came up behind her and slid his arms underneath hers to embrace her. As he pulled her close, his hands went from her sides to her stomach, where they came to rest just underneath her belly button and ended by patting her nonexistent belly.
I looked down as quickly as I could, not wanting her to know that I had witnessed what had happened. She quickly broke free from his embrace, pushing his arms away from her.
I then understood the coolness in her mannerisms, the hardness and strength I felt of the wall surrounding her. I had mistaken the lack of emotion I was getting from her to be a general sense of indifference. It couldn't have been farther from the truth. She was scared.
Scared to tell her brother. Scared of where this path would lead her. Scared that she had no control over the events that were to unfold in her life.
I wanted so to reach out to her but at that moment I knew that her privacy and sense of control over what was happening to her were far more beneficial than any solace I could offer. So, I bit my tongue. Not even to her brother did I mutter a word. She would tell him when she was ready. It wasn't my place, anyways.
Our trip was uneventful, save the revelation I made on the living room floor. A few weeks past and she called to tell us that she was, indeed going to grace us with a beautiful niece or nephew. I feigned surprise and wondered if she knew I had seen the all telling embrace. I never asked.
We have only seen each other a few times since then as far too many years have slipped by. The lack of communication is my fault. She has always been great about sending pictures, cards and letters. A concept that I have yet to grasp.
I think of her daily, as the faces of my beautiful nieces and nephew greet me from the refrigerator door. I wonder if one day they will know all their mommy has gone through in her life and just how strong of a person she really is. I hope that they one day see the gravity of the decisions that she has faced and risen to the challenge of each of them with determination and might.
More so than her children, I hope that she realizes the strengths that she possesses. I hope that she sees how very beautiful she is. I hope she knows her worth and that even though we don't talk NEARLY enough I value her as a friend. Lastly I hope that, no matter the consequences, she goes after what truly makes her happy.
Go for it, you deserve it.

until next time.....
be kind,
me

Title - Revealed

2007-05-05T23:54:00.000-04:00

Someone recently asked me about the title of my blog. I suppose I should have devoted my first post to this subject, rather than a meaningless "here is my blog" post. Oh well, it is a learning process. So, here ya go.........

The Reluctant Butterfly

I was prompted to start a blog, by a friend and fellow blog owner, a few months ago. Having always kept a journal of some sort I thought that it would be an interesting adventure and peculiar marriage of my love of the art of language and my new found addiction to the Internet. (OK, so my Internet addiction is NOT so new found..... that is neither here, nor there)

So, down I sat, with a ton of ideas and a burst of creative energy. I was thrilled when I logged on to create my blog. I already had a few items near completion (in my head, of course) and couldn't wait to get started. One problem..... I had to come up with something to call said blog. I drew a blank. I toyed around with several things for a while but none of them really seemed to fit or to express where I was in my life and the contents held behind that title.

I kept coming back to the symbolism of the butterfly. Most notably known as a symbol for change, the butterfly seemed to represent most accurately the ideas and feelings that I wanted to convey.

I have come to realize that I have a difficult time with change and transitions, no matter what they are. It can be something as simple as changing toothpastes (I know I like this one, so why would I want to change???) to something immeasurably difficult, such as a change in relationships ( Yes, things aren't the way they should be but it will get better.... right?????). It's not that I don't like change, just the opposite actually. I crave it. The monotony of day to day life is excruciating for me most of the time. I long to break away from the routine and be released from my domestic shackles. Or do I? If I truly wanted change, it is there for the taking, and yet I hesitate. Exhaustively weighing the options, trying to take into account how this change effects EVERYBODY, not just me.

It is inevitable that there will be change. Physical, emotional and psychological change. It is the way of things. I must accept this truth, but it doesn't mean that I have to like it. It doesn't mean that I can't put up a fight somewhere along the way. But, like it or not, we all grow and become different people; things change and present new situations, both good and bad.

One never knows just where the wind will take them. I do know now though, it is worlds easier to fly than to crawl. Hence, my title.

until next time....
be kind,
me

Tell Me

2007-05-05T03:04:00.000-04:00

Tell me
Tell me that you think of me
That from time to time
the thought of me
almost makes you smile

Tell me
Tell me that you miss me
That maybe for one second
you wish, however fleetingly
to hear my voice

Tell me
Tell me that you remember
Once upon a time
not so long ago
there was an always

Tell me
Tell me

I wrote this some time ago, but never got around to posting it. Not sure I really want to now, either.
until next time.....
be kind,
me

Writers Block

2007-05-05T02:51:00.000-04:00

It sucks.

I have about a mazillion things in my head BUT none of them are making it to my keyboard. Well, that isn't entirely true. So far there are seven, yes seven, unfinished posts that I have saved as drafts. There is also one post that now resides in digital oblivion due to my stupidity. (yes of course I want to close this page, why do you ask? OH! I deleted my post!!! THAT is why it asked......) Hopefully whatever I come up with will be worth the wait. We shall see.....

until next time....
be kind,
me

argh

The Innocence of Froggy Shoes

2007-04-20T22:52:00.000-04:00

I was reminded yesterday that my oldest son's kindergarten year is only two short months away from completion. I was, honestly, in awe of the speed at which time has slipped past me. I have become so engrossed in the mundane tasks of day to day existence, that I have forgotten to take stock of and celebrate the truly blissful gifts I have in my life. One gift so far surpasses everything else I hold dear, that it would render my life pointless if it ceased to be. It is the gift of being a mother.
In a few short years I will become an embarrassing hindrance to them both, I am sure. So I must revel in every moment I get to be a flawless, unconditionally loved being. Try not to loose my temper when my oldest begs for "just five more minutes" of video games before bed. I should, rather, be overjoyed that it is ME that he still wants to play those games with. Try not to become agitated at my exhaustion over picking up the toy my youngest wants desperately but has thrown down on the floor over a thousand times. Instead, fill with pride, knowing that I have instilled in him the confidence that I will be there to help him.
So many times, as happened in our family 6 years ago, you won't get a second chance to hold your child. Never again will you be able to let them "sneak" into bed with you in the middle of the night, just because they wanted to be close to you. You will forever long for their smile, squeals of laughter, messy hands and sweet kisses. You will even miss the living room floor being strewn with their toys.
All of this came flooding into me as I watched my boys playing in the puddles after a long night of rain. No cares, not one worry entered their minds. They had everything they could possibly want at that moment. They had boundless glee for a simple pair of rain boots and a few puddles in which to stomp. There was no time for them, everything began and ended in that moment.
It was then I vowed to try and recapture some of that youthful innocence. To try focusing on what brilliant adventures are at hand, instead of worrying about all that I need to do five minutes from now. I am going to try my best to see things through the innocence of their eyes. Peel back the layers of doubt, hurry, cynicism and worry. To just be able to be happy for my frog boots and a puddle to stomp in.

until next time....
be kind,
me

Not Fair!!!

2007-04-19T03:05:00.000-04:00

I had a very exciting thing happen this week. I found a new song by Maroon 5!! If you know me very well at all, you will know they are in my top 5 favorite bands at the moment. As soon as I heard the new tune I hopped on iTunes to purchase it. Much to my dismay the only thing available was the video - which I bought- BUT in the items that were pulled up by my search there were a few songs that I didn't know they had released. Upon further investigation I found a 3 song CD labeled 'The Limited Set'. It has a live version of 'Harder to Breathe', a new tune 'Ragdoll' AND a version of NIN 'Closer'!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course (as my luck would dictate) they are NOT available for purchase in the US. I have made it my mission to find this cd. So far my mission is failing, miserably. Humph! So aggravating........

until next time.....
be kind,
me

My Hero

2007-04-13T19:33:00.000-04:00

My Hero is not proud. He does not boast. He does not peddle his wisdom as if a street vendor, firmly rooted on his corner yelling at passers by to steal their attention. My Hero is a fortress, but, when under attack he is more easily wounded than most will ever be aware of. My Hero is a pillar of strength, but loves so deeply that the ones he cares for can bring him to his knees with nothing more than a word. My Hero's suffering is immeasurable and yet the hurt of others burns more than his own fire ever could. There is no place safer to me than when I am with him. When in his presence I feel more intelligent, more blessed and more beautiful than I ever have a right, simply because he believes that I am. When he looks at me, for one brief moment, I can see myself through his eyes. There are few things that have the ability to devastate me as much as knowing that I have disappointed my Hero. I could never be as good of a person as he deserves. Never will I feel that I have given him enough to come close to what I think he should have. My Hero's faith in me has never faltered, though I spend more time trying to pick myself up off the floor than I do walking upright. My Hero is the embodiment of devotion; though he, more than anyone, would be entitled to turn his back to it all. The highest aspiration I could ever strive for would be to become half the person that my Hero has. My hero has eyes that can peer to the very depths of your soul. There is nothing I could ever do, feel, think or be that my Hero would not have anticipated. One could not make me more elated or satisfied than to tell me that I, in some way, remind them of my Hero. When I look in the mirror, it is his eyes I see staring back at me. I only wish mine could see me the way that his do. My hero inspires me to be the woman that I am capable of being. My hero has bestowed upon me priceless gifts. Empathy, loyalty, passion for all things and above all happiness. For these and the countless others that he brings freely to me everyday, I thank him. One of my greatest hopes is that he can see just how incredible of a human he really is.
I Love You, Daddy.

until next time.....
be kind,
me

Loathing of Apathy

2007-04-12T10:58:00.000-04:00

As I sit down to write, coffee in hand and sleepless night behind me, my mind goes blank. I question whether it is too many emotions or the lack of any feeling at all. I have never felt the way I do at this moment. I have been searching for the words to name the incessant ache that I carry. So far, it remains a nameless orphan; for I refuse to claim it. I feel helpless to the swirl of events that surround me. The power of being able to change anything at all being stolen from me by distance. At least that is what I am hoping. I can not let my mind entertain the thought that there was another reason. That what I thought existed was a figment of my imagination, being felt only by me. It wouldn't be the first time my heart fooled my mind but it is by far the worst. My hope is that the flame was too hot. Something beautiful but untouchable both metaphorically and physically. My fear is that the flame burnt out, or worse yet, was extinguished by something of my doing. The hardest part is not knowing. No, I am wrong. The hardest part is losing my friend.

until next time.....
be kind,
me

A Long Forgotten Memory

2007-04-11T21:24:00.000-04:00

Tonight, as we were heading back home after dinner, I was reminded of a simpler time. A time in my life that I honestly believed that I could do, be, have and achieve anything I wanted. Anything at all, no dream or idea was too big or too far fetched. Just like I was told, all I had to do is work hard and want it bad enough and eventually it would be mine. This dreamy, fuzzy edged page from my past was brought full circle by several realizations.
The first of those being how a song playing on the radio, which meant nothing in your life before that point, can suddenly cause an incredible epiphany. We were in the car with the radio on, mostly to break the awkward silence. A couple of seconds go by and a few familiar bars waft through the speakers. Immediately I am transformed back into that little girl dancing and singing in the living room, twirling as fast as I could, so that my long flowing skirt would fly wildly all around me.
As I sat, content and comforted by my memory, the lyrics made their way into my consciousness. Words I had sung countless times, mindlessly, rooted themselves in my present. Effortlessly the honey coated words danced on my mental pallate so that I may savor each one before swallowing them down. Digesting every morsel of knowledge contained within.
It had been years since I had let myself visit the wide eyed little girl with the world at her feet. For such a long time she had been too far out of reach, untouchable in my past, as if she was a figment of my imagination rather than someone I used to be. That is when it occurred to me. The ever so heart broken, love weary, teary eyed woman that occupied my seat not only knew that little girl full of innocent exuberance - they were one and the same. The only difference, besides years of experiences and more grey hair than I care to admit, was that now I knew the meaning behind the lyrics that I mouthed.

until next time.....
be kind,
me

Gotta love 'The Fray'

2007-04-11T03:38:00.000-04:00

OK, maybe I am a little behind everyone else on the planet but I have found a new band that I like a LOT. The Fray......... simply awesome lyrical content. Here's one to sample....

She Is

Do not get me wrong, I cannot wait
For you to come home.
For now you're not here, and I'm not there.
Its like we're on our own.
To figure it out, consider how
to find a place to stand.
Instead of walking away, and
Instead of nowhere to land.

This is gonna break me clean in two.
This is gonna bring me close to you.

(Chorus)
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed.
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted.
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed.
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted.

It's all up in the air and we stand
Still to see what comes back down.
I don't know where it is, I don't know when,
But I want you around.
When it falls into place with you and I,
We go from if to when.
Your side and mine are both behind its indication.

This is gonna bring me clarity.
This'll take the heart right outta me.

(Chorus)

This is gonna bring me to knees
I just want to hold you close to me.

until next time.....
be kind,
me

Contradictions 101

2007-03-22T23:56:00.000-04:00

I am at a very odd point in my life. I am both the most stressed and the most relieved, that I have been in years. Relieved about finally making decisions that have needed to be dealt with for a very long time. Stressed beyond comprehension over carrying out those decisions. Glad that I no longer have to wrestle with the pros and cons of my thoughts and actions. Scared as hell to actually uproot myself from this spot that I have become so accustomed to and move forward.
I have been through some very challenging times. They would be nothing to some but unimaginable to others. I have overcome what seemed to be insurmountable obstacles to get myself where I am today. For some reason however I can't seem to shake the self doubt and criticism that define my world. I am 30 years old and feel more like a scared, vulnerable little girl, today than I did when I was a youngster. I am the mother of two of the worlds most incredible little people but they teach me more in a day than I could hope to bestow upon them in a lifetime.
I have, in the past two months, felt some of the most intense emotions you could imagine. All the while feeling removed from my life, as if I have been observing someone else from the corner of the room. So many times screaming to myself from within. Seeing the action that needed to be taken, but not being able to muster the strength to propel my self toward a resolution.
Looking back at all I have accomplished, personally, in the last four years, I shake my head in disbelief. A feeling of pride is immediately followed with a hollow aching in my gut for things I have yet to do. I have coupled emotions that I never knew could be paired. Pride and loathing, fear and contentment, love and isolation, happiness and self-doubt.
Amidst all of my confusion, standing at the wellspring of all things felt, I find myself open and raw. Every new sensation and emotion taken in, simultaneously savored and despised. I have grown weary of asking why, of scouring the depths of self for meaning. I have resolved, or resigned, myself to letting things go. So, for yet another contradiction, I have begun to stand still, while my world spins faster and tilts more than ever before. I don't have words to describe how difficult that is for me.

"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."
~From The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, M.D.~

until next time.....
be kind,
me

Why here? Why now?

2007-03-21T01:59:00.000-04:00

I have always kept a journal. I have always felt the need to delve deep within the recesses of my mind to put meaning to and make sense of the happenings around me. Lately I have been prompted, by a very close friend, to explore writing of a blogular nature. My intrest piqued, I boldly step into my very first attempt at blogging.
There are several peices of information that will probably add to your blog reading pleasure. Number one, I tend to make up random words..... such as 'blogular'..... Two, I tend to convey thoughts in more of a spiderweb patterned approach rather than any form of a straight line or direct thought. Why drive straight there when you can take the scenic route? ;-) .......And three, I have absoloutly no idea what I am doing.
Just a little intro to me. A disclaimer, if you will. Welcome to my life...........

until next time.....
be kind,
me