I have always had issues with labels. Not so much the labels themselves, but trying to figure out exactly where I "fit" in regards to those labels. I am not sure why I was even pondering this in the first place but I came to the conclusion that one could tell his or her life's story through the different labels they have worn through the years. It makes no difference if the labels are self-imposed, brought about by teasing from so called "peers", or simply the way you are viewed by the world at large.
Take me, for example. From childhood to present day I have been the pretty girl, the good girl, the shy kid, the weirdo, the dork, the fat chick, the drama geek, the misfit, the know-it-all, the wife, the divorce', the toker, the wife (again), the mom and lately the daydreamer.
The problem with all of these perfect, cookie cutter ways of describing someone is they never give you the full story. You hear any of those labels and you form a picture of me and what was going on in my life at the time. Sadly, most of the time the very thing that is supposed to convey who you are to the rest of the world often belies the truth of what is actually happening within that person.
As a child I remember countless shopping trips with my Mom during which strangers would stop us to comment on how beautiful they thought I was, quickly following with "what a good girl" I must be. Even then I found the link between my supposed behavior with my appearance very odd and uncomfortable. So many adults said the same thing, I reasoned not that they assumed I was well behaved but that I was supposed to be. No different than any child liking attention I tried to live up to this idealized image. Needless to say trying to attain someone else's view of who you "should" be is ridiculously pointless.
No matter how unreachable the goal of trying to live up to everyones expectations is, it is a theme that has defined my life. Forever trying to be the good student, daughter, wife and mother. Only lately have I come to the realization that it is MY definition of myself that has any relevance at all. Furthermore, it is the only label that I have any control over, what so ever. If ever I wish to change how others see me, I must first change how I see myself...... the big ol' dork singing my head off in the car next to you while dancing like the whitest person on earth.
until next time.....
be kind,
me
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