Coming Clean

I am hopelessly disorganized. I can count the times I have made it to anything on time on two hands. I feel compelled to work myself to the point of exhaustion, merely to appear "normal". You might as well send me into a mine riddled field, under enemy fire if you intend to send me grocery shopping with both of my children. I am filled with shame and guilt over all of the things that I can not seem to master, that others do with such ease and grace. I have sat, bawling and stupefied , in the middle of my kitchen floor at the mere thought of tackling the piles of clutter and papers that seem to rule my life. I take inventory daily of all the things that I "should" be able to do or handle at this point in my life that elude me to this very moment. I would tell you honestly, and truly believe every word spouted from my lips, that I have failed at nearly every damn thing I have ever tried. When reminded of the things in my life that others see as accomplishments I will be the first one to give you a
laundry list of reasons that, in my opinion, take any validity away from such successes. I have yet to control my impulses..... for pretty much anything.

I have Attention Deficit Disorder.

I was diagnosed about eight or nine months ago and subsequently medicated. I would mark my diagnosis as probably the single biggest turning point in my life, to date. Yes, bigger than my marriage - either of them. Yes, bigger than the birth of both of my children. Some may balk at this notion..... to them I say "You simply have no way of comprehending my unique position." To try and give you some frame of reference I will try and relate it to you as best I can.

Imagine, if you will, you are in your childhood. You are placed in a room with several other children your age. You are each handed your own puzzle of solid blue and told to sort through and assemble the pieces, only upon inspection, you find that you are missing every single shape that makes up the border or frame for your task. You sort through again, sure that you have simply overlooked the pieces. You glance up and notice that every other child in the room seems to be making great headway in their attempt. You begin to feel embarrassed that you still haven't linked the first two pieces. As you fumble through the shapes your teacher walks behind you and sternly tells you, for the third or fourth time, that you know you can do this, you just simply aren't trying. This flusters you even more, making you fall further behind. One child finishes, then another. You still sit shifting pieces of blue around on the table in front of you, feeling as if everyone in the room assumes what you fear to be true..... you are stupid, lazy or both. You know that if you could just get the courage to tell your teacher that you think you weren't given all of the pieces to the puzzle, they would be bestowed upon you and you would finish in record time, but you are far too ashamed to ask and fear this would only prove her assumption of lazy stupidity.

Or better yet, imagine yourself now. You are in a similar situation with adults. You are all handed an onion and a knife. Your instructions are to slice the onion without shedding a tear. In this reality assume that children are generally the only ones that do not posses mastery of this skill. You, however, have NEVER been able to cut into an onion skin without crying like a baby. All of your peers complete the task with seemingly no difficulty as you stand mesmerized at their talent and embarrassed by the lack of yours. The instructor begins making comments about your lack of will power, your immaturity and your lack of drive or focus. He continues by saying that the only thing holding you back is YOU. If you would just put your mind to it, you wouldn't have a problem...... as you take his criticisms you wonder how on earth you
are supposed to make your eyes NOT tear up in the presence of vidalias. It isn't something you can help, after all. It's not like you are CHOOSING not to complete what is asked of you........ it is simply the way your body reacts to that particular
stimuli.

I have grown up with a severely distorted image of myself due to this. I am pretty sure anyone who knows me well can attest to that. It can be extraordinarily difficult for me to the simplest of tasks. There is not a day that passes that I don't wonder if I will EVER be able to "pull myself together". While the symptoms of ADD can be crippling on their own, it is the secondary effects of the disorder that take the heaviest toll. Very low self esteem, depression, big time anxiety and underachievement, just to name a few. It is these little demons that will rob you of the little bit of sanity that you feel you have left.

I am not writing this for sympathy; what I want is understanding. I have kept these parts of myself hidden for so very long and it is about time they see the light of day.After all, how could I possibly expect someone to understand where I was coming from if I didn't speak up and tell them?

So here I am, shouting from atop my messy soapbox........
What was I saying? :-P

until next time.....
be kind,
me