"The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
---
I love coming across things that move me, be it music, theatre or what we have here - beautiful words. One of the best I have come across in a while. Until next time.....
be kind,
me
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
Coming Clean
I am hopelessly disorganized. I can count the times I have made it to anything on time on two hands. I feel compelled to work myself to the point of exhaustion, merely to appear "normal". You might as well send me into a mine riddled field, under enemy fire if you intend to send me grocery shopping with both of my children. I am filled with shame and guilt over all of the things that I can not seem to master, that others do with such ease and grace. I have sat, bawling and stupefied , in the middle of my kitchen floor at the mere thought of tackling the piles of clutter and papers that seem to rule my life. I take inventory daily of all the things that I "should" be able to do or handle at this point in my life that elude me to this very moment. I would tell you honestly, and truly believe every word spouted from my lips, that I have failed at nearly every damn thing I have ever tried. When reminded of the things in my life that others see as accomplishments I will be the first one to give you a
laundry list of reasons that, in my opinion, take any validity away from such successes. I have yet to control my impulses..... for pretty much anything.
I have Attention Deficit Disorder.
I was diagnosed about eight or nine months ago and subsequently medicated. I would mark my diagnosis as probably the single biggest turning point in my life, to date. Yes, bigger than my marriage - either of them. Yes, bigger than the birth of both of my children. Some may balk at this notion..... to them I say "You simply have no way of comprehending my unique position." To try and give you some frame of reference I will try and relate it to you as best I can.
Imagine, if you will, you are in your childhood. You are placed in a room with several other children your age. You are each handed your own puzzle of solid blue and told to sort through and assemble the pieces, only upon inspection, you find that you are missing every single shape that makes up the border or frame for your task. You sort through again, sure that you have simply overlooked the pieces. You glance up and notice that every other child in the room seems to be making great headway in their attempt. You begin to feel embarrassed that you still haven't linked the first two pieces. As you fumble through the shapes your teacher walks behind you and sternly tells you, for the third or fourth time, that you know you can do this, you just simply aren't trying. This flusters you even more, making you fall further behind. One child finishes, then another. You still sit shifting pieces of blue around on the table in front of you, feeling as if everyone in the room assumes what you fear to be true..... you are stupid, lazy or both. You know that if you could just get the courage to tell your teacher that you think you weren't given all of the pieces to the puzzle, they would be bestowed upon you and you would finish in record time, but you are far too ashamed to ask and fear this would only prove her assumption of lazy stupidity.
Or better yet, imagine yourself now. You are in a similar situation with adults. You are all handed an onion and a knife. Your instructions are to slice the onion without shedding a tear. In this reality assume that children are generally the only ones that do not posses mastery of this skill. You, however, have NEVER been able to cut into an onion skin without crying like a baby. All of your peers complete the task with seemingly no difficulty as you stand mesmerized at their talent and embarrassed by the lack of yours. The instructor begins making comments about your lack of will power, your immaturity and your lack of drive or focus. He continues by saying that the only thing holding you back is YOU. If you would just put your mind to it, you wouldn't have a problem...... as you take his criticisms you wonder how on earth you
are supposed to make your eyes NOT tear up in the presence of vidalias. It isn't something you can help, after all. It's not like you are CHOOSING not to complete what is asked of you........ it is simply the way your body reacts to that particular
stimuli.
I have grown up with a severely distorted image of myself due to this. I am pretty sure anyone who knows me well can attest to that. It can be extraordinarily difficult for me to the simplest of tasks. There is not a day that passes that I don't wonder if I will EVER be able to "pull myself together". While the symptoms of ADD can be crippling on their own, it is the secondary effects of the disorder that take the heaviest toll. Very low self esteem, depression, big time anxiety and underachievement, just to name a few. It is these little demons that will rob you of the little bit of sanity that you feel you have left.
I am not writing this for sympathy; what I want is understanding. I have kept these parts of myself hidden for so very long and it is about time they see the light of day.After all, how could I possibly expect someone to understand where I was coming from if I didn't speak up and tell them?
So here I am, shouting from atop my messy soapbox........
What was I saying? :-P
until next time.....
be kind,
me
laundry list of reasons that, in my opinion, take any validity away from such successes. I have yet to control my impulses..... for pretty much anything.
I have Attention Deficit Disorder.
I was diagnosed about eight or nine months ago and subsequently medicated. I would mark my diagnosis as probably the single biggest turning point in my life, to date. Yes, bigger than my marriage - either of them. Yes, bigger than the birth of both of my children. Some may balk at this notion..... to them I say "You simply have no way of comprehending my unique position." To try and give you some frame of reference I will try and relate it to you as best I can.
Imagine, if you will, you are in your childhood. You are placed in a room with several other children your age. You are each handed your own puzzle of solid blue and told to sort through and assemble the pieces, only upon inspection, you find that you are missing every single shape that makes up the border or frame for your task. You sort through again, sure that you have simply overlooked the pieces. You glance up and notice that every other child in the room seems to be making great headway in their attempt. You begin to feel embarrassed that you still haven't linked the first two pieces. As you fumble through the shapes your teacher walks behind you and sternly tells you, for the third or fourth time, that you know you can do this, you just simply aren't trying. This flusters you even more, making you fall further behind. One child finishes, then another. You still sit shifting pieces of blue around on the table in front of you, feeling as if everyone in the room assumes what you fear to be true..... you are stupid, lazy or both. You know that if you could just get the courage to tell your teacher that you think you weren't given all of the pieces to the puzzle, they would be bestowed upon you and you would finish in record time, but you are far too ashamed to ask and fear this would only prove her assumption of lazy stupidity.
Or better yet, imagine yourself now. You are in a similar situation with adults. You are all handed an onion and a knife. Your instructions are to slice the onion without shedding a tear. In this reality assume that children are generally the only ones that do not posses mastery of this skill. You, however, have NEVER been able to cut into an onion skin without crying like a baby. All of your peers complete the task with seemingly no difficulty as you stand mesmerized at their talent and embarrassed by the lack of yours. The instructor begins making comments about your lack of will power, your immaturity and your lack of drive or focus. He continues by saying that the only thing holding you back is YOU. If you would just put your mind to it, you wouldn't have a problem...... as you take his criticisms you wonder how on earth you
are supposed to make your eyes NOT tear up in the presence of vidalias. It isn't something you can help, after all. It's not like you are CHOOSING not to complete what is asked of you........ it is simply the way your body reacts to that particular
stimuli.
I have grown up with a severely distorted image of myself due to this. I am pretty sure anyone who knows me well can attest to that. It can be extraordinarily difficult for me to the simplest of tasks. There is not a day that passes that I don't wonder if I will EVER be able to "pull myself together". While the symptoms of ADD can be crippling on their own, it is the secondary effects of the disorder that take the heaviest toll. Very low self esteem, depression, big time anxiety and underachievement, just to name a few. It is these little demons that will rob you of the little bit of sanity that you feel you have left.
I am not writing this for sympathy; what I want is understanding. I have kept these parts of myself hidden for so very long and it is about time they see the light of day.After all, how could I possibly expect someone to understand where I was coming from if I didn't speak up and tell them?
So here I am, shouting from atop my messy soapbox........
What was I saying? :-P
until next time.....
be kind,
me
It's all about the Lyrics, baby!
I feel compelled to share these when I run across them....... if you aren't into them, well, then just skip this post :-P
Anyways, I have found another song that could stand on lyrical merit alone....
BREATHING by: Lifehouse
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I'm looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
happy listening! until next time....
be kind,
me
Anyways, I have found another song that could stand on lyrical merit alone....
BREATHING by: Lifehouse
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I'm looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
happy listening! until next time....
be kind,
me
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Wanderlust
Today I took a drive. Partly because the weather was amazing (the perfect rainfall, very overcast) and partly because my one and a half year old would NOT go to sleep for his afternoon nap. I gathered my things, his things, keys and we ran to the car. After a short stop to feel the rain as it fell and savor the squeals of delight from my baby boy, we were buckled and ready to go.
It was perfect. The depth of green in the leaves of the trees brought out by the rain, the street, wet with rain, was a deep shiny black. Ahhhhhhhh...... I love driving.
My little one fell asleep before we were even five minutes from the house (of course), which gave me nothing but time..... time to drive. It was me, my thoughts, music and the road.
My thoughts have been at a standstill recently. So much swirling around but I have been unable to make peace with any of it. Things left unfinished, what I have started today and things I need to accomplish tomorrow. I don't really know where I am and only have a vague idea of where I want to end up.... not a particularly comfortable spot, but a far to familiar one.
I found it odd how many parallels I could draw between my thoughts and the road. People use the analogies everyday and they have become almost cliche` but they all seemed so very perfect today. I was driving down the roads on which I had learned to drive. The near ninety degree turn that taught me not to overcompensate upon loosing control. The steep gravel incline on which my Dad stopped the truck and told me it was my job to get us off that hill..... in a stick shift..... But with just the right amount of pressing forward with the gas and the perfect amount of letting go with the clutch I was able to top what seemed to be Mt. Everest. The open field, tucked away, just beyond the trees that my teenage self visited one hot summer night learning the dangers of letting someone else drive. It all came flooding into me.
Whatever it was..... the rain, the road, the music, the ability to have more than five minutes for just me....... I am grateful for it. I didn't get anything worked out, but that is fine. Somehow, I gained a little perspective on my trip. The only thing left for me to do now is figure out how to read this damn map........
until next time.....
be kind,
me
It was perfect. The depth of green in the leaves of the trees brought out by the rain, the street, wet with rain, was a deep shiny black. Ahhhhhhhh...... I love driving.
My little one fell asleep before we were even five minutes from the house (of course), which gave me nothing but time..... time to drive. It was me, my thoughts, music and the road.
My thoughts have been at a standstill recently. So much swirling around but I have been unable to make peace with any of it. Things left unfinished, what I have started today and things I need to accomplish tomorrow. I don't really know where I am and only have a vague idea of where I want to end up.... not a particularly comfortable spot, but a far to familiar one.
I found it odd how many parallels I could draw between my thoughts and the road. People use the analogies everyday and they have become almost cliche` but they all seemed so very perfect today. I was driving down the roads on which I had learned to drive. The near ninety degree turn that taught me not to overcompensate upon loosing control. The steep gravel incline on which my Dad stopped the truck and told me it was my job to get us off that hill..... in a stick shift..... But with just the right amount of pressing forward with the gas and the perfect amount of letting go with the clutch I was able to top what seemed to be Mt. Everest. The open field, tucked away, just beyond the trees that my teenage self visited one hot summer night learning the dangers of letting someone else drive. It all came flooding into me.
Whatever it was..... the rain, the road, the music, the ability to have more than five minutes for just me....... I am grateful for it. I didn't get anything worked out, but that is fine. Somehow, I gained a little perspective on my trip. The only thing left for me to do now is figure out how to read this damn map........
until next time.....
be kind,
me
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