The Innocence of Froggy Shoes

I was reminded yesterday that my oldest son's kindergarten year is only two short months away from completion. I was, honestly, in awe of the speed at which time has slipped past me. I have become so engrossed in the mundane tasks of day to day existence, that I have forgotten to take stock of and celebrate the truly blissful gifts I have in my life. One gift so far surpasses everything else I hold dear, that it would render my life pointless if it ceased to be. It is the gift of being a mother.
In a few short years I will become an embarrassing hindrance to them both, I am sure. So I must revel in every moment I get to be a flawless, unconditionally loved being. Try not to loose my temper when my oldest begs for "just five more minutes" of video games before bed. I should, rather, be overjoyed that it is ME that he still wants to play those games with. Try not to become agitated at my exhaustion over picking up the toy my youngest wants desperately but has thrown down on the floor over a thousand times. Instead, fill with pride, knowing that I have instilled in him the confidence that I will be there to help him.
So many times, as happened in our family 6 years ago, you won't get a second chance to hold your child. Never again will you be able to let them "sneak" into bed with you in the middle of the night, just because they wanted to be close to you. You will forever long for their smile, squeals of laughter, messy hands and sweet kisses. You will even miss the living room floor being strewn with their toys.
All of this came flooding into me as I watched my boys playing in the puddles after a long night of rain. No cares, not one worry entered their minds. They had everything they could possibly want at that moment. They had boundless glee for a simple pair of rain boots and a few puddles in which to stomp. There was no time for them, everything began and ended in that moment.
It was then I vowed to try and recapture some of that youthful innocence. To try focusing on what brilliant adventures are at hand, instead of worrying about all that I need to do five minutes from now. I am going to try my best to see things through the innocence of their eyes. Peel back the layers of doubt, hurry, cynicism and worry. To just be able to be happy for my frog boots and a puddle to stomp in.

until next time....
be kind,
me

Not Fair!!!

I had a very exciting thing happen this week. I found a new song by Maroon 5!! If you know me very well at all, you will know they are in my top 5 favorite bands at the moment. As soon as I heard the new tune I hopped on iTunes to purchase it. Much to my dismay the only thing available was the video - which I bought- BUT in the items that were pulled up by my search there were a few songs that I didn't know they had released. Upon further investigation I found a 3 song CD labeled 'The Limited Set'. It has a live version of 'Harder to Breathe', a new tune 'Ragdoll' AND a version of NIN 'Closer'!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course (as my luck would dictate) they are NOT available for purchase in the US. I have made it my mission to find this cd. So far my mission is failing, miserably. Humph! So aggravating........

until next time.....
be kind,
me

My Hero

My Hero is not proud. He does not boast. He does not peddle his wisdom as if a street vendor, firmly rooted on his corner yelling at passers by to steal their attention. My Hero is a fortress, but, when under attack he is more easily wounded than most will ever be aware of. My Hero is a pillar of strength, but loves so deeply that the ones he cares for can bring him to his knees with nothing more than a word. My Hero's suffering is immeasurable and yet the hurt of others burns more than his own fire ever could. There is no place safer to me than when I am with him. When in his presence I feel more intelligent, more blessed and more beautiful than I ever have a right, simply because he believes that I am. When he looks at me, for one brief moment, I can see myself through his eyes. There are few things that have the ability to devastate me as much as knowing that I have disappointed my Hero. I could never be as good of a person as he deserves. Never will I feel that I have given him enough to come close to what I think he should have. My Hero's faith in me has never faltered, though I spend more time trying to pick myself up off the floor than I do walking upright. My Hero is the embodiment of devotion; though he, more than anyone, would be entitled to turn his back to it all. The highest aspiration I could ever strive for would be to become half the person that my Hero has. My hero has eyes that can peer to the very depths of your soul. There is nothing I could ever do, feel, think or be that my Hero would not have anticipated. One could not make me more elated or satisfied than to tell me that I, in some way, remind them of my Hero. When I look in the mirror, it is his eyes I see staring back at me. I only wish mine could see me the way that his do. My hero inspires me to be the woman that I am capable of being. My hero has bestowed upon me priceless gifts. Empathy, loyalty, passion for all things and above all happiness. For these and the countless others that he brings freely to me everyday, I thank him. One of my greatest hopes is that he can see just how incredible of a human he really is.
I Love You, Daddy.

until next time.....
be kind,
me

Loathing of Apathy

As I sit down to write, coffee in hand and sleepless night behind me, my mind goes blank. I question whether it is too many emotions or the lack of any feeling at all. I have never felt the way I do at this moment. I have been searching for the words to name the incessant ache that I carry. So far, it remains a nameless orphan; for I refuse to claim it. I feel helpless to the swirl of events that surround me. The power of being able to change anything at all being stolen from me by distance. At least that is what I am hoping. I can not let my mind entertain the thought that there was another reason. That what I thought existed was a figment of my imagination, being felt only by me. It wouldn't be the first time my heart fooled my mind but it is by far the worst. My hope is that the flame was too hot. Something beautiful but untouchable both metaphorically and physically. My fear is that the flame burnt out, or worse yet, was extinguished by something of my doing. The hardest part is not knowing. No, I am wrong. The hardest part is losing my friend.

until next time.....
be kind,
me

A Long Forgotten Memory

Tonight, as we were heading back home after dinner, I was reminded of a simpler time. A time in my life that I honestly believed that I could do, be, have and achieve anything I wanted. Anything at all, no dream or idea was too big or too far fetched. Just like I was told, all I had to do is work hard and want it bad enough and eventually it would be mine. This dreamy, fuzzy edged page from my past was brought full circle by several realizations.
The first of those being how a song playing on the radio, which meant nothing in your life before that point, can suddenly cause an incredible epiphany. We were in the car with the radio on, mostly to break the awkward silence. A couple of seconds go by and a few familiar bars waft through the speakers. Immediately I am transformed back into that little girl dancing and singing in the living room, twirling as fast as I could, so that my long flowing skirt would fly wildly all around me.
As I sat, content and comforted by my memory, the lyrics made their way into my consciousness. Words I had sung countless times, mindlessly, rooted themselves in my present. Effortlessly the honey coated words danced on my mental pallate so that I may savor each one before swallowing them down. Digesting every morsel of knowledge contained within.
It had been years since I had let myself visit the wide eyed little girl with the world at her feet. For such a long time she had been too far out of reach, untouchable in my past, as if she was a figment of my imagination rather than someone I used to be. That is when it occurred to me. The ever so heart broken, love weary, teary eyed woman that occupied my seat not only knew that little girl full of innocent exuberance - they were one and the same. The only difference, besides years of experiences and more grey hair than I care to admit, was that now I knew the meaning behind the lyrics that I mouthed.


until next time.....
be kind,
me

Gotta love 'The Fray'

OK, maybe I am a little behind everyone else on the planet but I have found a new band that I like a LOT. The Fray......... simply awesome lyrical content. Here's one to sample....

She Is


Do not get me wrong, I cannot wait
For you to come home.
For now you're not here, and I'm not there.
Its like we're on our own.
To figure it out, consider how
to find a place to stand.
Instead of walking away, and
Instead of nowhere to land.

This is gonna break me clean in two.
This is gonna bring me close to you.

(Chorus)
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed.
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted.
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed.
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted.

It's all up in the air and we stand
Still to see what comes back down.
I don't know where it is, I don't know when,
But I want you around.
When it falls into place with you and I,
We go from if to when.
Your side and mine are both behind its indication.

This is gonna bring me clarity.
This'll take the heart right outta me.

(Chorus)

This is gonna bring me to knees
I just want to hold you close to me.


until next time.....
be kind,
me