Contradictions 101

I am at a very odd point in my life. I am both the most stressed and the most relieved, that I have been in years. Relieved about finally making decisions that have needed to be dealt with for a very long time. Stressed beyond comprehension over carrying out those decisions. Glad that I no longer have to wrestle with the pros and cons of my thoughts and actions. Scared as hell to actually uproot myself from this spot that I have become so accustomed to and move forward.
I have been through some very challenging times. They would be nothing to some but unimaginable to others. I have overcome what seemed to be insurmountable obstacles to get myself where I am today. For some reason however I can't seem to shake the self doubt and criticism that define my world. I am 30 years old and feel more like a scared, vulnerable little girl, today than I did when I was a youngster. I am the mother of two of the worlds most incredible little people but they teach me more in a day than I could hope to bestow upon them in a lifetime.
I have, in the past two months, felt some of the most intense emotions you could imagine. All the while feeling removed from my life, as if I have been observing someone else from the corner of the room. So many times screaming to myself from within. Seeing the action that needed to be taken, but not being able to muster the strength to propel my self toward a resolution.
Looking back at all I have accomplished, personally, in the last four years, I shake my head in disbelief. A feeling of pride is immediately followed with a hollow aching in my gut for things I have yet to do. I have coupled emotions that I never knew could be paired. Pride and loathing, fear and contentment, love and isolation, happiness and self-doubt.
Amidst all of my confusion, standing at the wellspring of all things felt, I find myself open and raw. Every new sensation and emotion taken in, simultaneously savored and despised. I have grown weary of asking why, of scouring the depths of self for meaning. I have resolved, or resigned, myself to letting things go. So, for yet another contradiction, I have begun to stand still, while my world spins faster and tilts more than ever before. I don't have words to describe how difficult that is for me.

"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."
~From The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, M.D.~

until next time.....
be kind,
me

Why here? Why now?

I have always kept a journal. I have always felt the need to delve deep within the recesses of my mind to put meaning to and make sense of the happenings around me. Lately I have been prompted, by a very close friend, to explore writing of a blogular nature. My intrest piqued, I boldly step into my very first attempt at blogging.
There are several peices of information that will probably add to your blog reading pleasure. Number one, I tend to make up random words..... such as 'blogular'..... Two, I tend to convey thoughts in more of a spiderweb patterned approach rather than any form of a straight line or direct thought. Why drive straight there when you can take the scenic route? ;-) .......And three, I have absoloutly no idea what I am doing.
Just a little intro to me. A disclaimer, if you will. Welcome to my life...........


until next time.....
be kind,
me